Amazon Poster

Confession: I’m a bit of an Amazonaphile (…idk), meaning I love any and all things Amazon.com. Not only is it convenient as fuck for getting things you can’t really get anywhere else, but you’ll always find the most random and/or useful things that you’d never normally ever consider getting. I used to tend to buy random items on there for bants until I realised that 9 times out of 10, they actually came in handy!
What I thought I’d do is start a little series on the most random items available on Amazon that you probably wouldn’t even give two ticks about, yet now somehow NEED. Happy Shopping!

  1. Poo Emoji Slippers

Now you can literally ‘take a shit’ with you when you’re popping to the kitchen to make a cuppa or having a nice quiet evening in with the lads.
2 Orgasmatron Head Massager
I don’t know about you guys, but there’s no better feeling in the world than having my scalp massaged by someone else. It’s SO soothing and very relaxing. It’s been proving to relive stress in people who suffer from anxiety too!
Amazon CO2
3.  MoKo Waterproof Phone Case
The perfect accessory to take on the beach with you. This phone case can fit large smart phones as well as any loose change and credit cards and is incredibly water resistant (up to 30 meters/98 feet), allowing you to take photos underwater.
4. Punch Show Stretcher 
I think we’ve all gone through this, especially if you have wide feet like myself. You really don’t want to return those new pair of fab heels but all the tried and tested methods of leather stretching (shoes in the freezer anyone?) don’t seem to be working. My mum uses this brand specifically and I’ve seen how quickly it works, so I bought a can and started using it on some shoes that I can’t stand to chuck out or sell.
5. Renova Black Toilet Roll
Just in case white toilet paper isn’t good enough for you (perhaps it doesn’t match your bathroom décor?) Amazon sells black toilet paper (or blue, pink, green, orange or red, if that suits you better).
As can be expected, the reviews are priceless. “How do you tell when you’re done?” asks one reviewer.
6) Bacon Soap
Do you like to bathe? Do you like Bacon? Woop, there it is.
7. Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher
A gift for the fella in your life (because LBH..it’s a bit weird giving this to your family right?) because sometimes , the hands are just not precise enough. Let’s take a look at one review, shall we?

I had always found the standard ‘hands on’ approach to be fairly successful, but this product offers a little more. The long handle really facilitates access to those awkward areas and the cold metal can be quite stimulating. Fortunately the makers have gone to the trouble of fashioning a distinctly feminine hand, so the homophobic have nothing to fear from this product.
PS. Following a rather unfortunate incident at a party, I would advise against leaving it in the kitchen after use (especially on a sweltering summer’s day). It would have taken a braver man than myself to disabuse thirty-or-so guests of the notion that they had been using a rather trendy ‘cocktail stirrer’.

8) Tampon Flasks
“Oh I can’t bring my rum into this boring ass presentation? That’s fine bae; lemme just slide my tampons through security then.” Now you can get your drink on in peace with these handy test tubes, whether you’re on the bus at 8:30am with a swarm of secondary school kids or at a boring concert, the booze tampon will always be there.
9) Cookin’ With Coolio Cookbook
You don’t know WHY you need it, but you just do. I mean, with quotes from the book such as, “Everything I cook tastes better than yo’ momma’s nipples” and “Leave the eggs to bathe for 15 minutes in the hot water like a sexy Swedish chick in a natural mineral sauna”, what’s not to love?? Make someone’s (birth)day with this.
10) Unicorn* Meat
A little like chicken, only infused with magic and rainbows. *Contains 23% beef.

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